Let’s face it. Parenting a middle schooler can be really rough. One minute they are a sweet child and the next minute they hate you or themselves or their friends, sometimes all at once. They go from outgoing and talkative one minute to closed off and silent. What is a parent to do?
First of all, recognize that parenting a middle-schooler is hard because middle school is hard. Middle-schoolers are experiencing a tremendous amount of change and they don’t exactly know what to do with it. That change can be exciting one minute, confusing the next, and soul-crushing for the next few days. That is the internal drama that a middle schooler might experience that bleeds out into their internal world.
What are some of these changes? Their bodies are changing in ways that are weird, wonderful, and embarrassing. No matter how much they might have been prepared (or not) for the changes in their body due to hormones, they feel awkward. On top of that, they are noticing every detail about other people. They start to worry about other people doing the same and judging them. Friendships often shift very dramatically at this age, based on identity and belonging. Formerly sweet, long-term childhood friendships end dramatically, leaving kids at a loss and feeling bad about themselves and their ability to be liked and belong. Middle schoolers will try on different identities and different groups for a while, to see how they want to define themselves and their world. New hormones create strong emotional and physical pressure that needs to be released somehow, often taking it out on parents, siblings, friends, and teachers. It’s not uncommon for these hormones to also cause mental health issues such as anxiety and depression as their changing bodies and minds adjust to the new shift in social context and hormonal fluctuations.
What can you do as a parent? First of all, take the long view. The storm will pass. Your child won’t always be this moody, this rambunctious, this rebellious, this dramatic. Big feelings create big behaviors but eventually the hormones will settle out as will the behaviors. Take care of yourself in the process. All of these changes and big behaviors can be draining. Try to get support from friends and family who have been there or are in the trenches. Talk to a counselor if you need to process it all and remind yourself that all of this is normal. Make sure to set aside time for your partner, your family, and individual time with your middle-schooler when they allow you into their world. And remember, it only gets better.